Monday, July 31, 2006

Making the baby spaghetti cry

I'll ruin the lingering aftereffects of yoga if I read any more of this, but anyone who's hankering for a good dose of misguided internet idiocy should check out the Flying Spaghetti Monster hate mail. In addition to presenting a shining cross-section of the type of Christians who make Christians look bad (i.e. the "you don't agree with me so I hope you die and rot" type), it includes several gems of insular anti-scientific ignorance.

A sampling:

"It has not been proven that the earth existed before humans, this is a belief based on data." (This is my number one favorite. "That's not proof, it's just a predictive explanation based on overwhelming evidence!")

"is it because the devil is telling you that you're so undeserving for God's grace that you can't admit guilt in any way?" (Can't you get a perfect picture of the girl who wrote this just from reading it? It's a sad picture, involving bad skin and early pregnancy.)

"If Darwinism can be taught in schools, ID should be too, students have the right to hear ALL the theories. Stop pretending like FSMism is a real theory." ("Students have the right to hear all theories I like.")

"you are a stupid little guy with no girlfriend, so you're depressed. writing about your fake, gay loving man whore god. to get attention. all its gonna get you is a foot so far up your a** your gonna have ingrown toenails growin out your ears."

"It's all faith, sir, and you well know that there is no science or philosophy that can substantiate your claims to the origins of life, because we were NOT there to witness it. But we WERE there to witness Christ and his death." (Er... define "we.")

"if you have a holy bible king james version then i want to ask you to turn to genesis 1:1 in the beginning god created the heaven and earth. now where in the bible dose it say that spaghetti monsters created to earth" (Seriously, Bobby. Did you get this from the Bible, or what? Because if it's in the Bible you need to cite your sources!)

"people like you are scum, I hope you die by the hands of some sick perverted guy who will skullfuck you and then use your skin to make lampshades." (Real Christian of you, buddy.)

"your a fuckin faggot and burn in hell. if i knew you personally id slit your throat and watch you suffer as i laugh and do a fat cocaine like off of your dead body. I would then light you on fire, light my cigerette off of the ashes, smoke weed with the fire and piss on the ashes. then i would take your ashes roll them into a blunt and smoke them." (Seriously, I'm a better Christian than these guys, and I'm an atheist.)

"I'ts sad so many people believe in this ridiculous religion. Oh wait, maybe I shouldn't say believe, because I don't they any of them would be willing to die for 'FSMism' or evolution either for that matter." (Not only is this person not getting the joke, which is expected, but they have the weirdest interpretation of the word "belief" I've ever seen. I mean, I believe that bran muffins are full of fiber... am I supposed to be willing to die for that?)

"Fuck you and the flying spaghetti monster. Postmodernism is a self defeating concept. Read Josh McDowell's book for a good overview of what life is truly about you dumbass humanist...I'm still having problems teaching my dog 2+2=4. I hope to someday prove Darwinian philosophy and be able to have my dog recite Shakespeare to me. Then I will believe Evolution is true...Retarded people...like Bobby Henderson....will burn in hell unless you give your life to Jesus Christ." (This one was so good that I had to quote multiple parts, but that last two ellipses are in the original. Some kind of... stylistic... thing. This comment is particularly good because the author subsequently started threatening a libel suit, then claimed his account had been broken into, presumably after someone explained to him that a reprint of something you actually wrote does not constitute libel.)

Luckily, there are a few redeeming moments, such as Charlie's letter, which actually took me in for about three seconds:
"So let me explain this to you nice and slow; the Bible is the answer, it is what is to be differed to at all times; the Bible is 100% true- it says so in the Bible. Now, as far as science goes, who the hell do you think your are to call Intelligent Design "illegitimate science," technically, evolution is the only scientific theory yes; and technically, midgets are people... So we aren't to concerned with technicalities are we?"

Wow, okay, emergency savasana time.

12 Comments:

JordanBaker said...

What I've learned from this:

1. Many Christians cannot spell, and that makes the baby jebus cry.

2. While their ideas are uniformly unpleasant, at least some of them are original--ingrown toenails growing out the ears? Awesome.

8/01/2006 8:14 AM  
Guitarragrl said...

Hey, I'm a christian!! I believe in everything the lord my god says, if the earth wasn't created by God(the father), LordJesus and the Holy Spirit, where did it come from? Not a big bang because a big explosion would amazingly enough cause a disaster!

8/01/2006 10:03 AM  
jess said...

Not a big bang because a big explosion would amazingly enough cause a disaster!

The Big Bang was not an explosion.

Jordan: Yeah, but many people of all religions can't spell. The thing I find so offensive is that these people are claiming to subscribe to a religion that preaches love and tolerance.

8/01/2006 11:02 AM  
Guitarragrl said...

Well, I'm sorrry hun, but a..there is a heaven , the big bang doesn't really matter because, its all fake.. Your gonna live somewhere eternally, either heaven or hell. You don't have to know how to spell to get to heaven!!!lol...

8/01/2006 6:38 PM  
Guitarragrl said...

by the way, have any of you ever been to church..and if so WHICH ONE!!--CALVARY CHAPEL WORSHIP CENTER!!--

8/01/2006 6:41 PM  
jess said...

Oh, wow.

Just... just wow.

Kiddo, I hope you keep an open mind as you get older. I really do, because you're making me sad. Please promise to read some and think some. It's fine if you come to the same conclusions you hold now, just explore and think about it first.

I also kind of hope you figure out how blogging works, because you seem to be having a rough time with it. That's another thing that can be helped with reading and observation (and Google).

8/02/2006 1:04 AM  
rev. tom said...

I like the last one. As a duly ordained minister, I frequently differ with the Bible.

8/02/2006 1:35 AM  
jess said...

Theology is the purview of the clergy. :>

Dogma is the purview of the flock.

8/02/2006 8:03 AM  
Laura said...

You don't have to know how to spell to get to heaven!!!lol...

If there is a god and it is a righteous god, this statement is untrue.

And that god will also show its wrath to those who use "lol" as punctuation.

INTERNETS, I'M TALKING TO YOU

8/02/2006 11:06 AM  
Anna said...

God, I love your blog. And I'm not taking her name in vain.

8/02/2006 4:12 PM  
Allison said...

"Retarded people...like Bobby Henderson....will burn in hell unless you give your life to Jesus Christ."

Wow - *other people* will burn in hell if *I* don't give my life to Jesus. That seems . . . unfair.

8/18/2006 3:50 PM  
Anonymous said...

hey what the fuck is this?

i found this page searching for used cabbage on the internet. Im from the India hope i you can understands me.

FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU FUCKING CHRISTIANS

11/24/2006 5:22 PM  

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